


Your Heart Was Glass, I Dropped It

by ascopetoimagine



Category: Anne of Green Gables (TV 1985) & Related Fandoms, Anne of Green Gables - L. M. Montgomery, Anne with an E (TV)
Genre: Angst, Based on a Taylor Swift Song, Based on champagne problems, F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-18
Updated: 2021-01-29
Packaged: 2021-03-11 05:40:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 9,766
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28140072
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ascopetoimagine/pseuds/ascopetoimagine
Summary: Anne and Gilbert's letters were magnificent declarations of love. Except, neither of them knew they existed and now they are long gone, lost to their school days.Distance separates the pair as Anne attends Queen's and Gilbert is a student of the University of Toronto. Their lives are so different to their Avonlea days, but equally it is like nothing has changed at all.Gilbert is struggling to adjust to college life and no matter what he does, he just can't forget about Anne. One night he spontaneously finds himself on the train to Charlottetown with his mother's ring in his pocket.This fic is heavily inspired by Taylor Swift's champagne problems and basically all of evermore too.
Relationships: Gilbert Blythe/Anne Shirley, Gilbert Blythe/Anne Shirley-Cuthbert
Comments: 53
Kudos: 88





	1. So You Could Sit There In This Hurt

Gilbert did not imagine his college life to be like this; hunched over revision papers lit by the weak lamp on his desk with no one to talk to.

“Hey, Gilbert. The boys and I are heading downtown. What do you say?” one of his roommates says, popping his head into Gilbert’s room.

“Maybe next time,” Gilbert says gloomily. “Thank you for the offer though.”

There was a time when his roommates might have tried harder to convince Gilbert to socialise with them, but they all seem to have admitted defeat now. After a year of no’s, it seems like a wasted effort. To be perfectly honest, Gilbert was shocked when they asked him if he would like to continue boarding with them in his second year. 

Whilst his roommates laugh and head out together, Gilbert also lifts his coat and scarf off the coat rack. He leaves the boarding house, locking the door behind him and then he’s off in the opposite direction to the lingering laugh of his roommates. He just needs a walk to clear his head. 

The streets are practically empty apart from him. No one wants to be out on such a cold night. He must be mad in the head. The Toronto streets are icy and Gilbert nearly loses his footing more than a couple of times. He can’t help but laugh. What a pretty scene. A country boy all alone in a big city, barely able to keep himself upright. Sure, isn’t this what you dream of when you imagine your college career? Even though he is well into his second year, Toronto still doesn’t feel like home.

However, the actual education is very rewarding. Medical school itself is everything that he hoped it would be and more. His lecturers are passionate about their subjects and they are attentive to providing high quality teaching. It is especially inspiring to learn under Emily Oak. She is a highly intelligent individual who Gilbert knows he can learn a lot from. He just knows that Anne would love her.

Anne. Goodness, he misses her. He wonders how she is getting on in Queen’s. Wonderfully, he’s sure. He supposes that she probably has a million suitors lined up at her door. The thought makes him uncomfortable but he is happy for her. Whoever wins her heart one day will be a lucky man indeed. He just wishes that it could have been him. He meant what he said in his letter that he never expected her favour, but he did irrationally wish that she would give it to him. At the very least he wished that she would reply. That she would acknowledge that there was _something_ between them. But she hadn’t and she never would. 

It’s why he’s shocked to find himself at the train station.

It’s why he’s even more shocked to find himself booking onto the midnight train to Charlottetown.

In a blur, the conductor checks his ticket and then he walks onto the train carriage. He chooses a seat by the window and almost laughs at the stupidity of his actions. What is he doing, going to Charlottetown in the middle of the night? This is crazy he knows, but it’s as though it’s happening regardless of what he thinks. To put it plainly, he has no choice in the matter.

Despite the fact that the train is practically empty and there are plenty of free seats, a middle-aged woman decides to sit directly across from him. He glances around him in indignation and as a way of letting her know that he wishes to be left alone.

“I hope you don’t mind me sitting here,” she says, noticing this. “I don’t like travelling alone, especially at this time of night and you seem like a trustworthy young man.”

Gilbert isn’t one to forgo courtesy and so he feigns a smile. “I don’t mind at all.”

She is quite a glamorous woman, and the jewellery she is wearing would certainly have cost more than a few pennies. Her blonde hair falls loosely around her shoulders but still manages to look so elegant.

“Perfect,” she smiles. “Are you travelling all the way to the last stop? To Charlottetown?” 

“It seems that I am,” he replies.

The woman smiles. It seems that she is eager to begin a conversation because she opens her mouth again. “Ah, yes. As am I. Might I be so rude as to ask, why are you travelling so late? My husband works out in Charlottetown but it’s our ten-year wedding anniversary tomorrow so I’m going out to surprise him.”

Gilbert studies the woman intensely. She looks so happy. She looks so _in love_. He’s envious. Instinctively, his hand reaches into his pocket when he considers the reason for his journey. He closes his palm over the ring he discovers there. His mother’s ring.

“There’s this girl…” he says, trailing off.

The train moves off and Gilbert turns his head away from the woman to look out the window. It’s so dark that he can’t even make out the shape of the Toronto skyline as he leaves it behind. It is as if nothing exists but this train, a tunnel of light in the middle of a deep dark void.

“Ah,” the woman smiles. “Young love. It is a complicated but beautiful thing. My husband and I were young once too.”

Gilbert doesn’t know how to reply and soon the woman drifts off to sleep as the train chugs along, her face pressed against the glass window. He can hardly blame her. The trip is almost an entire day long. She looks vaguely familiar to him but he doesn’t know why. He knows definitively that he has never met her before.

Gilbert himself is too caught up in his thoughts to sleep. He did not envision himself to be so lonely in Toronto, even though he knows that it is nearly entirely his own doing. He just misses the life that he used to have. The one he had in Avonlea. Goodness, what would it have been like if he had gone to the Sorbonne? If he feels this out of place in the University of Toronto, an institution in his own country, how would he be feeling in France? In an entirely different country, halfway across the world from Canada and Prince Edward Island? He shudders at the thought. Funnily enough, even though he feels this way he wouldn’t call himself homesick. When he goes home to Avonlea for vacations, he feels just as miserable.

It’s not that he is not enjoying college. He is, in a way. The people are nice and his roommates are genuine boys even though he is an outsider in the boarding house. Gilbert knows that they have made every effort to include him but his heart just isn’t in it. His life has descended into an endless cycle of self-pity and unhappiness. He gets up in the morning, goes to class, does his homework and goes to sleep. It’s no life and he knows that but he doesn’t have the energy for anything else. He doesn’t even know where to begin to get out of this cycle now that he has started it.

Deep in his heart, Gilbert knows where his spiral began. It began when Anne ignored his letter. The boy had told Bash, his family, about his feelings for Anne after she ignored his letter. He feared that the hurt would swallow him up if he didn’t. Bash didn’t seem to approve of his letter writing and told him that he should just tell her how he feels to her face. He knew better, however. Gilbert knew that he was not right for her. He knew that he would never be right for her. He still knows this now. It’s why being on this train is inexplicably strange to him because he knows he’s doing it for Anne. 

Daylight begins to erupt in the train, and the woman begins to stir. 

“Wow,” she says, her eyes lighting up. “What a beautiful morning!” 

“Hmm, yes,” Gilbert replies, morosely. His lack of enthusiasm is no longer just a result of his somber mood, but also due to a lack of sleep. 

“Isn’t it ironic that when we arrive in Charlottetown it will be night again?” the woman continues, marvelling at the oddity of it all.

Surprisingly, Gilbert manages to grab a few hours of uncomfortable sleep throughout the day and soon he opens his eyes just as they are pulling into the station. As the train arrives into Charlottetown and he steps onto the platform, Gilbert feels an intense relief at the familiarity of his surroundings. He’s not home, but he’s pretty close and Anne, well, she is even closer. As Anne would say, the feeling sends such a thrill through him.

Gilbert turns to face the woman he spent his journey with. He feels uncomfortable about leaving her alone. Despite it only being relatively early evening, it is already so dark that you would think it is the middle of the night. 

“Will you be okay? Would you like me to accompany you to your accommodation?”

“Oh, don’t you worry about me. I’ll be fine. Go and get your girl,” the woman smiles and reaches out to squeeze his hand.

“Well, it was lovely to meet you…” He trails off, both out of surprise to find that he genuinely means the words but also because he doesn’t actually know her name.

“Dorothea,” the woman supplies.

He must admit that he is shocked that she has chosen to introduce herself to him with her first name. Perhaps he should return the favour.

“Gilbert,” he introduces himself, but she has already disappeared into the dark.

It is deep in the darkest depths of night when the boy arrives at Anne’s boarding house. He could only get up the courage to come when he felt sure that no one would see him. He knows it is her residence because, bizarrely, Ruby Gillis has taken to posting him the odd letter and they always have this return address. Ruby had told him early on that all the girls were living together and despite forming new friendships in college, they had chosen to continue doing so in their second year. Apparently Diana Barry even managed to make it, albeit a fortnight later than the others. He smiles a small smile, imagining what Anne’s reaction would have been when Diana showed up. He wishes that he could have seen it.

He knows that it is by no means a respectable hour to knock on the door and ask for Anne. To be frank, he doesn’t intend to. It’s not even socially acceptable for him to be standing in the garden of another’s in the middle of the night. He also knows that it is not proper to be visiting Anne at all but he just wants to be close to her. He sighs. The scenario is on its way to causing physical pain. His heart cannot compute the fact that Anne is so close to him but so out of grasp. Why can’t he see her? His head tells him to leave and leave now, but his heart is screaming at him to knock the door. It doesn’t matter that he thinks he came here with no intention of seeing Anne. He’s caught in a battle that seems outright impossible to win.

In the end, neither his head nor heart does win. Before he knows it, he is just sitting on the steps of Anne’s boarding house looking up at the stars.

“How has my life gone so downhill?” he says, speaking to the night sky. “Why am I so unhappy? And why do I fear that she is the only one who can fix it?”

Gilbert stares and stares at the stars, willing them to send him answers. Maybe if there were a shooting star for him to wish upon everything would be all right again. But alas, there was to be no shooting star for Gilbert Blythe that night.

As he sits there, pondering, he takes out a lovingly treasured (if crumpled) page from his wallet. Unfolding the page, he reveals Anne in all her glory. It is enough to render him flabbergasted. He is rather embarrassed and ashamed to admit that he had taken the drawing from his classmate Cole McKenzie’s sketchbook a couple of years previous. He just could not help himself when the opportunity was presented to him. It was like he desperately needed to have a piece of her to survive.

Mostly, Gilbert misses their friendship above all else. He misses debating with her in class. He even misses their arguments. He just misses talking to her. There was a time when Gilbert had thought with complete certainty that Anne would be in his life forevermore. How naïve of him. The remorse and regret he feels for allowing them drift apart is insurmountable. Even if Anne preferred to pretend that his letter didn’t exist, there was no reason to throw away their friendship. It has been a year and a half without her. He doesn’t know how he has lived it. Well, survived is probably a better word to use. He should have made more of an effort. Then again, it’s possible that she doesn’t need his friendship as much as he needs hers.

Droplets of rain begin to fall from the sky, signaling that it is time for him to go. He stumbles to his feet and begins to walk away from the boarding house. His feet only just carry his weight but he doesn’t know where he is going. He hasn’t figured out his next move in the chessboard of life yet.

Aimlessly, Gilbert ends up wandering the empty streets of Charlottetown. The eeriness of it is spooky. He isn’t sure whether it’s worse than when lively crowds grace the streets and shops. He knows one thing for sure. He isn’t too keen on the idea that it allows him to be totally consumed by his thoughts. 

His hair sticks to his forehead, a side effect of the rain. However, the boy is too caught up in emotion and memories to notice. Suddenly he’s fifteen again and she’s on his front porch meeting his father. She had come to deliver his schoolbooks since he had been off that day. It didn’t matter that Mr. Phillips had forced her to come, the fact that she did meant more to him than words could possibly describe. He would never forget the look on his father’s face when he told him that the new girl had hit him with a slate. He said nothing but Gilbert knew now that his father could see what, at the time, he could not. His father could see that Gilbert was already completely and utterly enamoured by Anne Shirley-Cuthbert. 

Now he’s eighteen and he is standing across from Anne. He can’t help but stare at her, trying to ingrain her beauty into his mind. The country fair is just around the corner, and Mrs. Lynde is having them practice a dance. It’s called the Dashing White Sergeant and whilst the rest of his class mutter over Mrs. Lynde’s fussiness, he realises that he doesn’t mind one bit. To be honest, he can’t even really hear her. He’s too focused on the girl with the red braids in front him. Instinctively, he reaches out and grabs her hand. It fits so perfectly in his. The Gilbert of today doesn’t see how past him could possibly have managed to continue to deny his feelings. When he dropped her hand he felt bereft. The dance continued on but without the spark that had been there a moment before. He never felt anything close to that with Winnie.

Soon light chases the dark away, and the streets of Charlottetown begin to fill with people as shops begin to open. Still, Gilbert finds that he has lost the courage of the night that allowed him to turn up outside Anne’s boarding house. How could he think it was acceptable to just turn up like that with no word of warning? What was he planning to do if he saw her? And let’s be honest, Anne has probably forgotten all about him by now...if he was ever on her mind at all.

Instead, the boy finds himself standing outside of Dr. Ward’s practice. It was here, working for Dr. Ward that gave Gilbert his base in medicine. It was here that he cultivated his thirst for medical knowledge and his overwhelming aspiration to advance the field. He still wants to do all of that, but it just seems to feel less important to him now. He’s not sure how to explain it. Maybe if he hadn’t developed an interest in becoming a doctor he would be in Queen’s right now with _her_.

“Boy, are you going in or not?” comes a voice.

With a start, Gilbert realises that he is blocking the entrance.

“Oh, no. Sorry,” he murmurs, stepping aside.

He wishes that he could go in. He wishes that he could go in and tell Dr. Ward all about how much he is enjoying this new chapter of his life, about how he is learning so many new things and having a great time doing it. It would be a lie, though, and he doesn’t have the energy to pretend. He continues walking down the street.

After another day of aimless wandering, the evening dusk begins to fall at long last. Impulsively, Gilbert decides that he is going to wise up and go and see Anne. He came all this way and he doesn’t even want to consider the amount of lectures he’s missed in doing so. He has to make it worth it. He has to satisfy himself. He has to speak to her. Even he can admit that he at the very least needs closure. Yes, he is going to go and see Anne even if she has nothing to say to him. Even if he has nothing to say to her.

The boy manages to maintain his resolve all the way until he reaches the door of Anne’s boarding house. Biting his lip, he reaches out and knocks decisively but butterflies threaten to eat his stomach. He’s unsure why he expected that the fiery redhead would be the one to swing the door open but he did, and he’s shocked to be greeted by a woman with greying hair instead.

“Hello,” she says politely. “May I help you?”

“No, I mean, yes,” Gilbert starts, as the woman gives him a slight frown. “I was wondering if I would be able to speak with Anne Shirley-Cuthbert?”

“May I ask who’s calling?” she inquires.

“Oh, I am an old school chum of Anne’s and a family friend.”

“Well, I’m sorry to tell you,” says the woman. “I’m afraid she’s not here. She has gone to a dance, I believe. I’m not sure if you know Miss Josephine Barry, but you may be able to find Anne at her place of residence.”

Gilbert feels as though his world is collapsing in on him but even though he has no intentions of going anywhere near Miss Barry’s home, he replies as though he will.

“Yes, I know it. I’ll be off then. Thank you very much,” he nods his head in good-mannered acknowledgement.

Just as Gilbert goes to take his leave, the woman speaks again. “I have a feeling that we might be seeing each other again soon, so allow me to introduce myself. My name is Mrs. Blackmore and I am Anne’s landlady.”

“It’s a pleasure to make your acquaintance, Mrs. Blackmore,” Gilbert says, although he doesn’t introduce himself because he never intends to set foot on this porch again.

Mrs. Blackmore studies him one last time before saying, “You know, I do not usually allow suitors to call on any day apart from Saturday so please don’t be making a habit of this. I’m sure Anne just hasn’t had the opportunity to explain this to you yet so don’t worry. Have a nice evening.”

Gilbert splutters. The idea of his name and the word “suitor” ever going in the same sentence as Anne’s name is laughable. However, it strangely raises his heart rate as if another’s assumption can make something true.

As he walks back down the path of the boarding house the dejection he feels threatens to consume him. It’s like Anne’s not being here is the universe’s way of telling him that he shouldn’t seek her out. His feet ache from the hours of walking and he knows that it is time to admit defeat and go back to Toronto, but for whatever reason he just cannot bring himself to go to the train station. He has come all this way. Despite knowing better, it’s like the only decision that makes any sense to him is to go to Miss Barry’s. Studying his appearance, he knows that he looks more than a little scruffy for a dance but he knows himself well enough to know that he isn’t going to settle unless he at the very least catches a glimpse of the girl who has been occupying his thoughts.

The door of Miss Barry’s homestead is left wide open for the coming and going of partygoers when Gilbert arrives. All around him are happy people living happy lives surrounded by friends and loved ones. The boy’s lonesome arrival and pitiful clothing make him incongruous to the scene. Still, no one is really paying him much heed and he goes inside without interception. The party is such a grand affair that he feels that the chance of coming across familiar faces is slim. He knows that if Anne is here he will find her, though.

At first, he doesn’t see her and it seems unlikely that he ever will despite his determination. It’s just a sea of faces and he doesn’t know where to start. But then he sees her. He’s speechless. She’s so beyond beautiful. Her dress is a beautiful lilac and Gilbert is in awe. She would never have touched the colour in their school days. The shape of the dress is so very sophisticated and grown up. Anne has always looked perfect to him but now she is somehow even more so. He feels an extreme pride in how much her confidence has grown in such a short time. How quickly things change. Gilbert is so mesmerised by her that it is like he’s glued to the spot for he can’t move. He can only watch her. She looks so joyous. She’s certainly doing better in her new life than he is. He is pretty close to certain that she isn’t pining after him the way he is her.

Tentatively, he takes a step forward and then another. Every step is bringing him nearer to her and so every step he takes eases a little bit of the chaos in his heart. An involuntary smile stretches across his face as he anticipates their reunion. He imagines that when Anne spots him, she will run into his arms and he will hug her so tightly to him. She will make the hollowness in his heart disappear and they will begin the rest of their lives together. They will become an us. It’s a delusional daydream but it is the thoughts of a desperate man. 

He is about three steps away from her when he notices what he didn’t see before. Anne is dancing. Not only that, she is dancing with a boy. Gilbert studies him, noting how well-dressed he is and how attentive he is to Anne. He watches as Anne laughs at something he has said. He watches as the boy laughs at something Anne has said. A stiffening pain emerges tight in his chest when the full realisation of what this means truly hits him. Anne has a suitor. She must have. He is practically right beside her and she is so caught up in the boy that she hasn’t even noticed that he’s here. 

Gilbert watches Anne as she smiles and laughs, as she dances, as she talks, and then he turns away. He can’t look at it anymore. He had no right to come here. It’s been over a year of silence, how could he expect her to want to see him? Especially when she held no romantic feelings towards him in the first place. No, he’s the problem and he shouldn’t be relying on another to give his life meaning again. It’s simply not fair and he refuses to be a burden to her. He wants her to be happy so very much and if that means he can’t be in her life then he accepts that. At least he came. At least he tried. Now he’ll just have to move on for good.


	2. Love Slipped Beyond Your Reaches

The library is old, grand and ever so beautiful with shelves upon shelves of books. Not only is it the most magnificent aspect of Queen’s, it is also the oldest. Built one hundred years prior to the rest of the college, it has existed long before her and will continue to exist long after her. It is a privilege to study in a place so enriched in history and folklore, but today Anne feels rather immune to its charm. Today it just makes her feel small, like she is nothing more than an insignificant spec of dust on the cover of one the hundreds of thousands of books. Stories used to save her when she felt like nothing else could, she’d write page after page of whimsical hopes and dreams. She’d read page after page of other people’s dreams coming true and she’d feel so inspired. These days she was hard pressed to find any true scope for the imagination anywhere. It’s like he took that with him too when he left her behind broken-hearted.

Currently, the library is bustling with people and all around her is the noise of pages turning and hushed whispers. It had been difficult to secure a table – everyone has deadlines to meet, including Anne. Despite this, the academic books remain closed in front of her and the pages for her essay rest idly before her with not even a splatter of ink to mar the pristinely white, blank paper. When she is in a mood such as the one that plagues her today her studies feel more like a chore than anything worth doing. It’s hard to face the reality that education doesn’t matter as much to her as it once did. She supposes that it is just another way that he has changed her, whether he meant to or not.

“Hmm?” she says, becoming aware that her study companion has been talking to her. Probably for quite some time too. She admittedly has not heard a single word he has said, too caught up in her own rambling brain.

“I was just talking about tonight, Anne,” he laughs and then begins to repeat his previous words but she has already drifted back into daydream.

She remembers the first day she met Royal Gardner. Roy. It was a couple of months into her first year of college and she was not in what one would call a good place. There were tears that would keep her up all night and a deep, all consuming feeling of homesickness. She wanted to be at home in Green Gables, doing her chores and being part of a family. She wanted things to go back to how they used to be. To this day, she does not know what she would have done if Diana had not found a way to attend Queen’s. Those first two weeks without her had been the stuff of nightmares. She had spent every night drowning in her own tears, wide-eyed and alone, staring at the empty bed where her bosom friend should be. At least with Diana in the room she could spend her nights crying knowing that a comforting hand was there to catch her when she fell. If it weren’t for Diana she wouldn’t have gotten through it. Well, she would argue that she never did get through it and rather learned to live with it. Either way, she is thankful to be surrounded by friends and people who care about her.

Sometimes Anne feels so wholeheartedly guilty that she still has this desire for _ more  _ in her. She is ashamed to admit that she wishes with everything in her that things had worked out differently with Gilbert. There was a time, not so long ago, that she had nothing and no one. It would have been unimaginable that she would even set foot in an institution for higher education, never mind attend one. She has it all. Why is it not enough?

Her mind coasts back to thinking about the boy sitting across the table. She met Roy one misty morning when her mind was foggy and frantic. She was running late for a college tutorial on Canadian literature with an armful of books and pages flying everywhere. Well, that’s how she remembers it anyway. Looking back, it seems inevitable that she would collide with something. The force was so great that it was enough to send her tumbling to her knees with a colossal thud. However, the ache in her heart was so strong that the physical ache from the fall paled in comparison. It was starting out to be one of her bad days. With great reluctance, she risked a glance up to see what she had hit and an audible groan escaped her lips. There was a boy standing there, staring down at her. She can remember thinking that it really would only be her luck to bump into a living, breathing human. Then before she knew it, the boy’s strong hand was wrapped firmly around hers and she was being pulled to her feet. Anne was at a loss for words, she knew that she should apologise but she just didn’t know where to start and what was even more maddening was that he began to say sorry to her even though she was the one at fault!

Anne was frozen as she took in the figure before her. He was so tall that he basically towered over her. She had to crane her neck so that she could see his debonair smile, carefully styled chestnut brown hair and striking green eyes. With a jolt Anne realised that he reminded her of Gilbert in a way but where Gilbert was all charmingly boyish and soft at the edges whilst simultaneously being wise beyond his years, this boy seemed sharper, stiffer. Perhaps it was a side effect of the tailored suit he was dawning. When she finally came to her senses, she apolgised to the boy in embarrassment but he simply batted the gesture away and asked her name. He had smiled slightly at her nervous introduction that she was “Anne, Anne with an E,” and introduced himself as “Royal” although he would much prefer if she called him “Roy”. Anne could feel her cheeks begin to warm and a tentative smile cross her lips as she found herself agreeing to go to tea with him sometime.

“Shoosh.” The librarian frowns at present day Roy, her eyebrows furrowed and her finger on her lips as she passes their table. Roy takes the cue and quietens, becoming very interested in the textbook in front of him.

Anne takes the moment of silence to inspect him in the present instead of the past. His hair has flopped down over his face and he is biting down on the corner of his lip in feigned concentration. She supposes that they are courting now. Well, she knows that they are most certainly courting. She just wishes that she knew when it began. Was it that very moment when he asked her to tea? Was it when they had the tea? Or, was it sometime after that? She’s not sure. Either way, her friends seem to like him and that’s good, right?

She fiddles with the pen in her fingers whilst her hand props up her chin. In the deepest depths of her heart she knows that she only thinks of Roy platonically. It is disappointing really. Their relationship would be so much easier if her feelings ran deeper. Sometimes she feels this gutting guilt too, as though she is doing Roy a disservice in courting him but is it truly wrong if she fully intends to go through all stages of the relationship anyway? She used to say that she longed to be the bride of adventure. It is an easy thing to say assuming that one has adventures to go on. Roy eases the loneliness she now feels deep in her soul and so how could a life spent with him be a bad thing? Besides, it is possible that she could grow to be genuinely happy with Roy. She certainly finds his company to be enjoyable and that’s really the best she can ever dare to hope for. A marriage seeped in love is an impossibility for her. She has had her romance, her  _ tragical  _ romance, with Gilbert even if nothing ever came of it. Sadly, he does not return her love and that’s not his fault either. She doesn’t resent him for being unable to love her. He was Avonlea’s golden boy and she was the ugly orphan girl. You can’t escape your roots. Anne shakes her head in dismissal of such a thought. If it is one thing Gilbert is not, it’s shallow. He was always good to her, even when she gave him a hard time and oh, did she give him the run of it. She and Gilbert were –  _ are – _ good friends. It’s nothing more than an unfortunate scenario even if it is one that will forever cause a terrible pain in her, but alas it cannot be changed, as is the fact that she will never love anyone in the way that she loves him.

A sudden movement catches her eye and she sees that Roy is now standing and packing away his belongings. She feels dreadful. She hasn’t listened to one word he has said in the past hour and it’s too late to make up for that now.

“Well, duty calls,” he smiles at her, belongings fully stored away. “I’ve a lecture about the history of medicine to attend and no doubt it will be awfully dull. I’ll be thinking of you the entire time. May I call and escort you to the dance this evening?”

Roy is studying to become a doctor just like Gilbert. It is yet another similarity between them. The strange thought crosses her mind that she should begin to write them down as she notices them. It is very likely that the two would become firm friends if they were ever acquainted, however, Anne can still see the stark differences between them. For starters, Gilbert would never describe anything that advances his knowledge of medicine as dull. She shakes her head, trying to rid herself of the thought of him. It’s time to focus on Roy - the boy who is right in front of her. The boy who does potentially like her in a romantical sort of way.

“Yes, of course you may escort me. Will you meet me on that quaint little lane by the willow tree as always?”

“You never let me pick you up at your door like a proper gentleman,” he complains jokingly, “but of course.”

“Thank you,” Anne says before weakly adding, “You know that it’s Mrs. Blackmore’s rules.”

“I know. It’s alright,” he says, kissing her lightly on the cheek. “See you this eve!”

Anne is not technically lying, as Mrs. Blackmore is strict on the rules she has for suitors but she always feels uneasy when the subject comes up. Roy has always shown an eagerness to immerse her in all aspects of his life in order to gift her that sense of belonging that he knows she always yearns for. He has even taken her to meet his parents and how does she repay him? She has not even told him that suitors to the boarding house girls are permitted to call on Saturdays never mind shown him Green Gables. She’s loath to admit it but the reality of why cannot be denied. She feels that if she holds up these barriers then if Gilbert changes his mind one day then she will be ready. She knows it’s foolish and wrong but the hurt in her heart can’t stop her. When she imagines a suitor, she cannot help but imagine Gilbert Blythe. She cannot stop herself from daydreaming about the possibility of Gilbert knocking on the boarding house door and asking Mrs. Blackmore if he could speak with Anne Shirley-Cuthbert. It is wrong that such daydreams should impact on her real life and prevent Roy from doing those things, but it is just another way that Anne doesn’t make much sense these days. 

Momentarily, Anne sits lonesome at the table and considers beginning her essay but she can already tell that today is not the day. Since she doesn’t have any other classes on her timetable this afternoon, she decides that she will take a leisurely stroll back to the boarding house. There is no point sitting in the library just to stare at the wall.

As she walks down Charlottetown’s busy main street, she glances over at Dr. Ward’s practice as she always does because it makes her think of him. Gilbert was always so excited about his internship there, probably because that’s where his future really started to take shape and become this tangible thing that he could reach out and grab with both hands. It was there that he developed his skills in medicine and realised the opportunity to continue studying it in a university. It was there that he met Winifred – the love of his life. She is quite thankful that she has not required medical assistance or advice since she and Gilbert parted ways. She does not think that she could face entering the practice. It’s not that she fears encountering Winifred – she is surely with Gilbert – it’s that the place would only wreak havoc in her mind with thoughts of the boy. Although it’s painful to think about, she is happy for him really. All she wants for him is that he lives a life where he has no regrets even if that means he lives a life where she has no place. Her being without him is nothing more than a champagne problem in the grand scheme of things.

It is kind of funny actually. Today, for a split second, she thinks she sees a familiar mop of windswept curly brown hair standing outside the practice, but that’s ridiculous. It can’t be Gilbert Blythe for he is halfway across the country in Toronto. She often wonders why Gilbert ended up in Toronto instead of Paris. The Sorbonne was his dream back in their school days. Either way, it doesn’t matter. All she needs to know is that he is not in Charlottetown. Just before she extinguishes the tiny flame of hope that has ignited inside her, her eye is drawn to the window where she sees an older woman with blonde hair and vibrant red lipstick. Who is she? She feels certain that she would recognise her if she had seen her before. She is just so striking. Intimidation sneaks into Anne’s bones. It’s as though the woman’s eyes are burning deep into her soul despite the fact that the street is bustling with people. It makes no sense for her to be singled out. Yet she feels as though she has been. She speeds up so that she can escape the strangeness but then she feels even more foolish. She must have imagined the woman like she imagined Gilbert. It has been a long day and she is exhausted. Honestly, she’d probably be better off going to bed instead of this dance but she promised Aunt Jo.

The rest of her walk back to the boarding house passes in relative normality. The ground is a little wet from when it rained in the middle of the night. Rain always leaves the air nice and crisp, which Anne simply adores. Fresh air always helps to ground her and give her some much-needed perspective and today is no exception. She breathes the oxygen deep into her lungs to the point where she is almost gasping for it. The feeling is euphorious. Today has, without a shadow of a doubt, been one of her hardest days in a while. She despises them because when they hit, they hit hard to the point where the mere thought of contentment is foreign. Her walk reminds her that while she will always have to live with this pain, it doesn’t have to consume her. She can have her happy moments too. Maybe tonight can be one of them, at the dance.

It is not long until her walk reaches its end and she arrives at the boarding house. Anne places her hand on the handrail of the boarding house steps to steady herself before she climbs them. As soon as she enters into the boarding house, the girls instantly surround her like buzzing bees. It’s like they have just been sitting at the door awaiting her arrival. Anne glances around in shock as Tillie grabs her right arm whilst Ruby latches onto her left and she is dragged towards the stairs.

“Anne!” Ruby exclaims excitedly. “Where on earth have you been? We have been waiting on you. We have to get you ready for the dance tonight! Oh, isn’t it so very exciting? We have the perfect dress for you too! You’re going to love it!”

The girls’ excitement is infectious and as they bundle her up the stairs a real, genuine smile flickers across her face. When her Avonlea friends surround her she can almost forget that life is so different now to how it used to be. Ruby and Tillie do not want to let her go until they reach her bedroom and even then they are reluctant to release her. They only do so when they have planted her fully on the edge of her bed and even then there is a rather comedic stand off with Anne looking at the girls expectantly while the girls stare eagerly at her.

“So, um, where is this dress?” Anne asks, bemused and trying to stifle a giggle.

Still Ruby, who seems to be in charge of the whole affair, stands as still as a statue with a smile plastered to her face.

Eventually Jane pipes up, “I think it is in our room, Ruby?”

“Oh right, yes!” Ruby jumps into action, still talking as she leaves the room. “Diana, you must guard her. Make sure she doesn’t go anywhere. She can’t possibly see this dress even a second before she is supposed to. Blind fold her if you have to!”

Anne cannot hold back her giggles any more as she compliantly puts her hands over her eyes. The rest of the girls file out after Ruby also in fits of laughter, leaving Diana and Anne alone in their shared bedroom. Dutifully, Anne keeps her eyes covered but that doesn’t stop her from quizzing Diana.

“What is with this dress, Di?” she asks, a little spirit coming back into her voice.

“I have no idea,” Diana says, taking a seat on the edge of the bed beside Anne. “I’m as in the dark as you on this one.”

A whisper of laughter can still be heard from the girls in the other room.

“They all seem excited about it anyway,” comments Anne but now that they have left the room, reality seems to return and with it her earlier sadness.

“Anne, do you think that you could take your hands away from your face so that I can talk to you properly?”

“Oh no, I couldn’t possibly, dearest Diana. Ruby would lose her mind if she found out that I did such a thing and you let me!” Anne says, trying to will the happiness back into her voice.

“Come on, Anne! You know just as well as me that they won’t be coming back in here for a while and when we hear them coming we can just resume positions.”

“Okay then,” Anne says reluctantly, complying with Diana’s request.

“Anne, be honest. Are you okay?” Diana asks, her eyes full to the brim with concern. “You were quiet this morning leaving for class and you seemed a little sad when you came in.”

Anne pauses for a minute, weighing up her answer. She doesn’t exactly want to ruin Diana’s fun with her wallows. Especially when they are the same as always. It’s not like Diana could do anything if she told her. All she would succeed in is spoiling her friend’s anticipation for the dance. “Yes. I’m fine. Why wouldn’t I be? We are going to a party extravaganza, hosted in our honour!”

Diana almost smiles at this. “True! According to Aunt Jo, we aren’t getting the full college experience unless we have a party once and a while. I think she just wants an excuse to meet your Roy though!”

Anne’s smile falters ever so briefly, but enough for Diana to notice.

“Anne, something is wrong! You must tell me at once!”

“The girls will be coming back soon,” Anne tries to deflect.

“ _ Anne _ ,” Diana says sternly. “Out with it.”

She takes a deep breath and internally sighs. Maybe telling her wouldn’t do any harm. Maybe if Diana does listen to her problem for the thousandth time, she will magically have a solution.

“Aunt Jo will be the first to meet Roy outside of you girls and, I don’t know, I guess I just feel strange about it. Him meeting you and the girls is fine because you go to the same college but with Aunt Jo… it’s different and maybe – definitely – I should have taken him to meet Marilla and Matthew first. They have been asking to meet him for so long and it’s not that I don’t want them to meet but I’d have to take him to Avonlea…” Anne trails off.

“And you’re worried that if you see Roy in Avonlea then he’ll replace your memory of Gilbert,” Diana concludes.

Anne breathes a grateful sigh of release that Diana has basically understood her. “I know, I  _ know,  _ that it’s not right but I can’t help it. Even going home to Avonlea myself is painful now. I see him everywhere, Diana,  _ everywhere _ .”

Diana pulls Anne into a hug as the redhead struggles not to cry. Anne feels safe in the embrace of her friend. Safe to cry a little bit, safe to feel the pain of losing a relationship that has only ever existed in her mind. Anne knew when she met the raven-haired girl that they would be bosom friends for Diana had only ever been kind to her and has never judged her in the way that others have. She knows that Diana often struggles to comprehend her pain but she tries and that’s all that really matters.

“Don’t you think it might help then? To make some new memories in Avonlea? With Roy?” Diana asks softly.

“No,” Anne whispers gently. “I don’t want to replace those memories, Diana. I don’t want to walk where I once walked with him with someone else. In Avonlea I can almost pretend that nothing has changed even if it’s all the more painful when I inevitably remember that everything has. I’d rather pretend that everything is okay even though nothing is. I’d rather have to remember not to walk certain paths so that we don’t bump into each other when we’re home at the same time. I don’t want to walk those paths with someone else. I just don’t.”

“Oh, Anne,” Diana says, her voice laced with sympathy. “I wish that I knew how to help you.”

Anne shrugs, pulling away from the embrace. She focuses on wiping her eyes dry of the few escapee tears.

“It’s okay. There’s nothing to be done.” She attempts a smile. There is only so much she can take of Diana’s pity. “I guess the girls are on their way back now.”

Anne had heard a change in the girls’ murmurings and hoped that signaled that they were coming back. She would rather go back to the world in which she is happy, even if it never lasts long. Sure enough, her friends come flouncing back into her bedroom grinning and buzzing with exhilaration. 

“So sorry that we were so long,” Ruby says upbeat. “We had a  _ small  _ catastrophe, but it’s all fixed now! Are you ready to see the dress?”

Anne slowly begins to peel her hands away to reveal a… lilac dress. She looks over at Diana but her bosom friend is averting her gaze in attempt to avoid eye contact. Coward. She doesn’t want to face the second hand embarrassment of watching Anne try to badly mask her abject horror. Her horror is certainly not uncalled for. The dress is lilac! Nobody with red hair could even hope to get away with dressing in a colour like lilac!

“It’s…it’s beautiful,” Anne begins. She’s not lying either. It is a stunning dress with beautiful frills and lace. It’s just the… colour. It couldn’t be for her, right? “Is it for me?”

“Yeah, Anne, we literally just told you that,” Josie rolls her eyes, teasingly.

“Come on, let us help you into it,” Jane says. “We can be your maids for the evening.”

Anne doesn’t move. Instead, she eyes her friends suspiciously. Her stomach tingles with an almost sixth sense. It doesn’t take a genius to work out that something strange is occurring. The girls are acting utterly ridiculous! Her maids for the evening? What in the world?

“What… what is going on?” she asks cautiously. The confusion clearly written on her face.

“Whatever do you mean, Anne?” Josie asks with an air of nonchalance but despite this Anne can see her glaring meaningfully at Tillie, whilst Jane clamps her hand on Ruby’s arm in warning. Something is going on.

“Well, what on earth have you gotten me a dress for?” Anne laughs.

“Why not?” Jane giggles. “You deserve a beautiful dress to have fun in!”

“We’re going to a dance aren’t we!” exclaims Tillie.

“I have so many beautiful dresses already!” Anne protests. It is true too. Marilla is a skilled dressmaker.

“Don’t you like it? R -, ” Ruby is cut off by Josie elbowing her in the ribs. “We thought you would love it.”

The dress is shrouded in a cloud of mystery. Well, Anne is pretty sure that if she pushed a little harder that the girls’ guise would fall apart at the seams but where is the fun in that? She’s had a rough day so far and now the girls are trying to make it better. Why would she want to put a dampener on that? Even though the dress is lilac, she is old enough now that she could pin up her hair and attempt to distract from how her awful red hair is in no way suited to such a colour of dress.

“Okay girls,” Anne jumps up from the bed, succumbing to the pull of their excitement. “Let’s try it on then!”

“Eeeeek,” the girls scream in excitement and they surround the girl.

“It’ll definitely fit,” Ruby confirms. “I had it custom made to your measurements.”

“You what?” Anne asks, taken aback and then reconsiders. “Do you know what? Never mind.”

The dress fits like a glove and all the girls compliment her thoroughly on it. Anne makes her way over to the mirror to look. She involuntarily grimaces at her appearance. The colour, matched with her complexion, fills her with insecurity. She’ll wear it for the girls but the dress just is not for her. On the right girl this dress would be magnificent. She knows that for sure and certain. The girl remains facing the mirror just a moment more whilst she trains her facial expression not to reflect her uncertainty to the others. Once she has done so, she spins around to greet them.

“Thank you for the dress, girls,” Anne says with genuine sincerity. “Whatever the reason for it, I’m so grateful. Truly.”

They only smile and hug her quickly before rushing off to get ready themselves. Anne resolves herself to emulate their happiness. Her life is a good one, a privileged one. It is most irregular to pretend that it is not.

Once they have left, Anne spins around to Diana. “Di, would you pin my hair up pretty please? Maybe a fancy style might distract from how this colour does not suit someone of my complexion at all.”

“You must be feeling better,” Diana smiles at her, whilst beginning to do Anne’s hair, “to be worrying about your vanity again.”

“Oh but, Diana, it isn’t about vanity! It’s a matter of right and wrong!” Anne exclaims, willing the excitement into her voice. “But, yes. My day is becoming brighter. I’m so lucky to have you girls.”

“Brighter in spite of the dress?” Diana giggles.

“Brighter  _ because  _ of the dress,” Anne giggles back. “Why do you think they did this though?

“Anne, you can’t be serious!” Diana says. “It’s because they love you! You have to let people treat you sometimes. There doesn’t have to be some ulterior motive.”

Anne is truly grateful for this support network that she has in the girls. She doesn’t know where she would be without them. Probably dead in a ditch, as Marilla would say. The phrase sends her thoughts spiraling again back to when she began her quest to learn about her ancestry. She had been allowed to go on the condition that Gilbert would accompany her to Aunt Jo’s house. Marilla had embarrassed her so much at the train station before she left by expressing to Gilbert that Anne had a tendency to reside in ditches, which was  _ completely  _ untrue. She was just worried for Anne but it was too much for her past self to handle. She had not known the feelings she harboured for the boy yet, but she had known enough. She knew that she wanted him to view her as an independent, mature and capable woman. Instead, she had lashed out, been cruel to him as a result of her own embarrassment. She had proved her own childishness. She wished she could have acted differently. Maybe if she hadn’t been so harsh on him all the time then he would have something to like about her.

Soon they were on their way to Aunt Jo’s house for a night they’ll never forget (according to the girls anyway). The girls’ were meeting their dates at the dance itself, but they pick up Roy on the way at the old willow tree that Anne had fallen in love with on her very first day of living in Charlottetown. The redhead greets him with a smile and tucks her arm into his as they walk on, the two of them falling slightly behind the others.

“You look beautiful,” he whispers in her ear. “Do you like the dress?”

Something about the way he said it re-ignited the suspicion she had earlier when the girls erratically presented the dress to her. Anne pulls away from him slightly so that she can study his expression. His face gives nothing away. Annoyingly, Roy remains calm and collected, but Anne’s instincts are screaming. She decides to take a risk.

“It was you!” she exclaims.

He smirks and Anne knows that she is right.

“But how did you do it?” she asks in shock. “And why did you do it? And why did everyone know about it except Diana or did she know?”

Roy laughs. “Diana didn’t know because I knew she’d tell you about it. She’s your best friend—”

Anne cuts him off expressing her disbelief, “But you told Ruby because she would be able to keep it a secret?”

“Well she didn’t tell you, did she?” Roy raises an eyebrow.

“She nearly told me!” Anne protests with indignation.

“I guess I just got lucky then.”

“And I guess that I owe you a thank you,” Anne says, squeezing his arm slightly in gratitude signaling that she has chosen to simply accept the gift rather than try to analyse the motives behind it. Like Diana said earlier, sometimes there is no ulterior motive.  


He only smiles at her in return. The rest of the walk passes in relative silence as Anne admires the scenery. The sun is beginning to set in gorgeous plumes of orange and pink. It is precisely the type of evening that makes her believe that all is right with the world and maybe all is. She is with her friends, who despite themselves always leave her with this sense of joy. She has Roy, who is so kind to her and goes out of his way to surprise her for no other reason other than that he wants to. Despite this, every footstep she takes in life these days, she takes with the presence of Gilbert Blythe. No matter how hard she tries, she just cannot shake him and today he is especially prevalent.

Even now she is half way through her first dance of the evening, trying desperately to focus on Roy, her brain has decided that Gilbert is here. She has even gone as far as to paint an image of him standing to the side of her, watching her dance with Roy. The rational part of her is screaming that she is deluded but the irrational part of her argues back, asking why she can see everything down to the expression on his face if he is not there. And that is all it takes. Suddenly she is pulling away from Roy.

“Gilbert!” she yells at the top of her lungs, trying to put her voice above the noise of the party.

When he doesn’t turn around, she starts to run after his imaginary retreating figure.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading! I am sorry for leaving this update so long but real life got a little hectic with exams and assignments all over the place! I hope that you enjoyed this chapter anyway.
> 
> The past two chapters have had quite a bit of build up, I know. Both Anne and Gilbert have found themselves in this situation of "unrequited love" and it was interesting to explore how they both deal with that. I especially enjoyed exploring the idea that Anne has a support network in the girls whereas Gilbert does not and the impact that has. I hope you'll appreciate the background etc when things start to kick off (next chapter eek). 
> 
> If you'd like to leave me a little comment with your thoughts or feedback it would really mean the world to me (genuinely)!

**Author's Note:**

> You don't have to listen to evermore to (hopefully) enjoy this fic but I really recommend that you do. 
> 
> Thanks for reading! If you liked it, I'd love to hear your feedback in a comment!


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